


When Home Feels Unsafe

by AnnoaThiem



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 13:29:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14214168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnoaThiem/pseuds/AnnoaThiem
Summary: It's been almost a year since Dominic and Sascha have broken up and they're still struggling to be at ease with each other, stuck in an undefined and blurry relationship. But when Sascha loses his semi-final in Acapulco and is said to be injured, Dominic can't fight an instinctive need to go make sure he's alright. He rushes to his hotel room, unaware that things are about to become way more complicated…





	When Home Feels Unsafe

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a short one-shot, taking place a few days before this one, focusing on Sascha's thoughts about his current relationship with Dominic. It's not essential to read it before reading this one, but here it is, if you're interested :  
> [ **This One Poem**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14103711) (493 words) by [**AnnoaThiem**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnoaThiem)  
>  Also, English isn't my first language, so please overlook mistakes and misuses of words.

Acapulco  
Saturday the 3rd of March  
1am

Dominic wonders if he should wait longer, knock again, knock louder.  
He doesn't want to wake Sascha up, but truly doubts that he's asleep. It can't have been more than thirty minutes since he has returned to his room. Not enough time for him to unwind and recover. Far than enough.  
Dominic knows, he went through the same process of swallowing his disappointment and self-loathing the day before. And he just knows. He has spent too many nights comforting Sascha after a loss.  
He knocks again.  
He made it there. He walked across the entire resort. He can't leave now. He won't be able to rest until he gets reassurance. His stomach is heavy and the wind feels colder since he has heard about the medic called on court.  
When the door of the hotel room finally opens, a wave of memories hits him, harshly. He should have seen it coming, but he was too worried to realize how much of a home ground this would be. Sascha slowly revealing himself as he pulls the panel. But in the memories, his face would always lighten up, as angry, sad or tired as he was. Sometimes almost imperceptibly, a frail spark in his eyes, a brief quiver of his shoulder, but there would always be a sign of relief. _Finally..._  
Tonight, Sascha frowns.  
\- What are you doing here?  
He's surprised, more than anything, understandably, and Dominic suddenly asks himself the same question. Why is he here, when he's lost all power to do anything about Sascha's shattered face ?  
He looks aside for a second and clears his throat.  
\- They said you were injured. I wanted to check if you were--  
\- No, I mean, what are you still doing here ? In the resort ? I thought you would have left by now.  
\- I'm flying at noon… I told you I would stay until the weekend, no matter what.  
\- You did ?  
Sascha presses his fingers against his temple, rubs it and sighs. He doesn't seem annoyed, just weary and miles away. His eyes are red, underlined with shadows and stare at Dominic like they're not really seeing him.  
\- Yeah, I told you on Monday.  
When they were waiting by the helicopter, excited about the ride, looking forward to the week to come. They were at ease with each other then, catching up, joking, conniving like they hadn't been in a long time. Like Dominic believed they would finally be from now on. But the minute the exhibition ended, Sascha withdrew into himself and escaped.  
\- Hum, okay, maybe.  
He takes a step back and, for a moment, he looks ready to slam the door closed, like he's still hoping the intrusion isn't real and he can go on as if it didn't happen. But something stops him. He just sighs again, turns around and walks back inside the room.  
\- Who told you I was injured ?  
This is the warmest invitation Dominic is going to get, so he accepts it and moves forward to follow him.  
\- No one told _me_. I was at the outside bar with… with the crew, and word got around that you requested medical assistance for your knee. But… no one had any details so… so I… I was wondering…  
\- You could have called.  
Dominic takes a deep breath. He's grateful for the interruption, as unwelcome as it makes him feel. His mumbling was getting out of hand. He's not sure he would have been able to finish his sentence. He needs those few seconds to adjust to the situation he just walked in.  
This is the first time in almost a year that they're alone together in a place where no camera, no journalist, no coach will interfere. Where they won't have to muzzle their thoughts and emotions. The first time since he ended things between them.  
They were in a hotel room pretty similar to this one. Dark carpet, abstract paintings on the walls, white sheets all creased on the bed. Sascha's luggage open in a corner, his clothes and shoes scattered all over the floor. He was wearing the same type of black sweatpants than he's wearing tonight, but he was shirtless and his hair was a bit longer. They had been arguing for a while and, at 2am, Dominic realized he couldn't take it anymore. None of it. The tantrums, the secrets and feeling like he was never gonna be enough. That was too much, he was a wreck, Sascha had drained every bit of hope and sanity out of him. Their relationship wasn't worth all the heartaches. So he chose to protect himself while he still could, decided to walk away for good. And as crushed as he was when closing the door of the room on his way out, he knew that this time, he wouldn't come crawling back. He would move on.  
He has.  
And he has cleared his mind from the pain and the regrets, he has learnt to look at Sascha without hurting. Without longing.  
But as the door closes behind him on his way in, everything resurfaces, vividly, like it all happened only a couple of days ago. He feels hemmed in and shaky, he needs another deep breath and finally replies in a hushed voice :  
\- Would you have picked up ?  
\- Probably not.  
Sascha stops next to his bed. He grabs a tee-shirt and starts folding it with blunt gestures. Half a dozen of clothing items are already properly piled up on the mattress.  
\- Are you okay ?  
\- What do you think ?  
\- Well… You're tidying your room so I'd say you've reached rock bottom.  
Sascha's hands freeze and he glanced at him. But his offended expression fades quickly. Soon, he can't help but chuckles and raises an eyebrow.  
\- Scary, right ?  
\- Terrifying.  
Dominic smiles and the knot in his chest loosens a bit.  
\- So what's wrong with your knee ?  
Sascha shrugs, lets go of the tee-shirt and sits on the bed.  
\- Not sure. Nothing too severe apparently. Nothing I can use to justify how badly I fucked up tonight. That's a shame…  
He laughs again, this time nervously, and Dominic tilts his head.  
\- Don't say that. You didn't fuck up, you--  
\- Were you watching ?  
\- No…  
He wasn't even checking the score until the very end. Not that he didn't care. He does. He usually follows Sascha's performances closely. But this match was one he should have been playing himself and he has troubles dealing with those, the ones after a bitter loss. They just twist the knife in the wound.  
\- I didn't, but… I was in your shoes yesterday. Playing Juan… He's just too good sometimes, he… He gets under your skin and there's nothing you can do, no matter how hard you try…  
\- You tried ! You threatened him at some point. You gave me hope that I would just have to kick your ass next !  
Dominic manages to smile again, because of Sascha's presumption, but the mention of this missed opportunity makes his defeat even sourer. The eventuality of facing Sascha on court has been weighting on his shoulders since the break up. When they both reached the quarters, he truly hoped it would finally happen, they would get it over with. But he choked against Del Potro and deprived them from a chance that might not occur again before months. Months of wondering how they will handle this unavoidable test.  
\- Sorry…  
Sascha shakes his head, lowers his eyes, the muscles of his face tensed again with exasperation.  
\- I didn't even fight back. I was lame.  
\- You weren't. You're not. Come on… You still went a step further than I did…  
\- So ?  
He looks back up abruptly and after an instant of perplexity, he fakes enlightenment in a way that Dominic hates immediately.  
\- Oh my god, that's true, you're right, thanks for reminding me ! I did better than you, it's all okay then. How could I forget that my self-worth relies entirely on you ?  
Dominic truly hates it all. The icy tone, the spiteful smile and his own tactlessness that Sascha never fails to twist to his advantage.  
\- Don't start with the sarcasm. And don't put words into my mouth. I meant that you reached the semis. This isn't lame ! You should--  
\- Stop ! Just stop !  
Sascha stands and knocks over the stack of clothes in a flash of temper.  
\- I really don't want to hear your patronizing bullshit !  
\- Right.  
Dominic pinches his lips together and takes a couple of steps back, as Sascha's animosity lodges itself in his stomach.  
\- That's probably all I've got to offer, so I'm gonna go. I'm sorry I came. I was worried, but I don't know why I bothered. Worrying. I… Whatever…  
He's not sure Sascha is listening anymore. He has turned his back on him to walk to his bedside table where he switches on his ipod. When a piece of drum and bass blares from the speakers, Dominic nods, just for himself, and turns around. Frustration smothers him and there's nothing he can do to release it. Every attempt at getting through to Sascha would make it worst. It's safer and healthier to leave now.  
But when he reaches the door, he can't bring himself to turn the handle. He's not just frustrated. He's sad. Sad like he was yesterday, when he returned to the locker room after losing the match. Sad to have come so close to achieving something for the first time, just to fail at the last minute. He has made it all the way to Sascha's room and that journey wasn't just about crossing the resort. It's all he has done these past few months to reach the peace of mind needed to do so. Giving up now would be like the double fault that cost him the second set. It would ruin all his efforts. But he doesn't know how to give himself an extra chance. He stares at the emergency evacuation plan tacked to the wall, hoping to find a clue towards the right direction. Unsuccessfully. The lines get blurry as his pain intensifies and finally, retreating prevails. But out of the sudden, Sascha lowers the volume of the music, to the point where it doesn't even cover his whisper :  
\- It hurts, you know…  
Dominic exhales, blinks a couple of times and turns slowly. Sascha is still standing by the table but faces him. He seems lost, he looks younger than a minute ago, fragile, and Dominic's resentment vanishes.  
\- Your knee ?  
\- No… You, worrying… But it would hurt the same if you weren't so… I'm screwed either way…  
He gives a forced laugh and throws the remote of the speakers on the mattress. Dominic moves away from the door, ignoring a gut feeling warning him about this direction. He shouldn't ask, they shouldn't go there, that's not why he came. But he needs to understand why he's making things worse whenever he believes they're getting better, and Sascha just gave him an opening.  
\- Why does it hurt that I worry about you ? It's obvious I always will. And I want to be here if something happens to you.  
\- But that's the thing. That's what hurts. You're here, but you're not. Not really.  
\- Not really ?  
Dominic frowns, confused and unable to find answers in Sascha's eyes, glued to the floor between them.  
\- I feel like I'm truly here right now, with you. For you.  
\- You've got to know what I mean...  
\- I don't actually… I...  
He runs his fingers through his hair, where they tense up, and takes a moment to breathe, to organize his thoughts, to choose words that Sascha won't misinterpret and turn into weapons.  
\- I'm trying really hard for… this to work. For us to be okay… Coz' we should be by now. And we have to. We're meant to be part of each other's worlds, so we have to find a way. At least until Chelsea recruits me.  
Sascha exhales a short laugh, but he bites his lip almost immediately and keeps staring at the mess on the carpet.  
\- And sometimes it seems like we are okay, we're doing great and it feels nice, but then you raise a new wall and… I don't know… It's… You say it yourself, you need me to care but it upsets you when I do, so what ? Am I just bound to fail ? What… What are you expecting me to do ?  
He moves closer and lets out a disheartened sigh, afraid to be fighting for a lost cause.  
\- What do you want from me ?  
\- Seriously ?  
Sascha raises his head and when their eyes meet, his intensity takes Dominic's breath away, sends a shiver downs his spine and terrifies him. He needs to stop him, to rewind, to take his question back, but he finds himself speechless, because Sascha's expression is already saying way more than he wants to hear. So he just nods, slowly, implores him not to speak, but Sascha doesn't spare him.  
\- Everything. I want everything, Domi. I want you back. All of you. Even your patronizing bullshit, even your most annoying flaws, the ones I thought I couldn't stand.  
Dominic steps backwards and keeps nodding, as a storm starts tearing his chest apart, but Sascha keeps talking.  
\- I don't want to be part of your world. I want to be it. I want you to be mine again. And… And this time, I won't take any of it for granted, because even at our worst, we were the best thing I ever had, the only thing I--  
\- Shut up.  
He can't shout, he's barely audible, but he stretches out an arm between them, like a shield. And this defensive gesture is desperate enough to stop Sascha, who closes his mouth and then his eyes. Dominic fists his hand, brings it against his thundering heart. He's stunned with disbelief, appalled by Sascha's words, appalled that he dared. He's boiling over, but anger isn't the only feeling feeding the fire and he knows he needs to escape before those other flames intensify and start clouding his judgment. So he turns around and clenches his jaws.  
\- Yeah… Walk away when it gets real, that's what you do…  
\- Oh my god.  
This is a punch in his stomach, a stab in his back. This is Sascha's hypocrisy at its peak.  
\- This is--  
\- Unfair ? I know it is. Everything I do is. Everything I did to you. But at the end of the day, you're happy and I'm miserable, so it's safe to say the situation has evolved pretty fairly.  
\- But I don't give a damn !  
He can't hold the outburst in anymore and spins round, to point his finger at the affliction Sascha is displaying.  
\- This is on you ! I don't want to hear it ! You don't get to tell me. You don't get to… You have no right to do that, you-- Damn it, Sascha !  
His eyes are burning with sharp tears. This is now pain flooding in. The same pain he felt all those nights, when Sascha still had the right to work his way back into his heart but never used it.  
\- You can't do this now ! You had… You had months to try and convince me that I was wrong, to… to fight for us, but you didn't do shit ! You let me go. I… I came back to you, ten, twenty times over the years, I apologized even when I wasn't wrong, I bit my tongue, repressed my desires, but the one time it was your job to do so, you couldn't bother ! Like I wasn't worth the trouble ! I wasn't worth you swallowing your pride ! You let me go, Sascha ! And it hurt so bad and for so long. You have no idea how much it took for me to get over you. But… but now that I have, now that I'm happy, you're… you're pulling that stunt… ?  
His voice is breaking and Sascha, who was trying his hardest to remain impassive, finally shakes at the sound of it. His cheek quivers and he looks aside to murmur :  
\- You asked me a question, I answered, I--  
\- I'm sorry I did ! I had momentarily forgotten how much of a self-centered asshole you are ! I… I can't believe you…  
His chest heaves and he closes his eyes to prevent tears from flowing. He's completely distraught. He feels like screaming, hitting something, punching a wall. He had convinced himself, to ease his own grieving process, that Sascha's feelings had faded before his and he was doing a great job at disregarding the hints that could have proven him wrong. At silencing the petty voice in his head whispering on some occasions that Sascha's coldness wasn't only due to some misplaced rancor. But there's no way he can silence or disregard what he's just heard. No way to prevent Sascha's admission from worming itself inside his heart.  
\- I'm not sure I believe you either.  
Dominic rubs his cheek and looks back at Sascha. As blurry as his sight is, he can see how defensive he has become again, already, so he hisses, holding on to his anger :  
\- You don't believe you're an asshole ? You want me to give you a lecture ?  
\- I don't believe it took a lot for you to get over me. I mean… Didn't it just take her ?  
\- Wow…  
Dominic shakes his head and starts laughing. This is nervous but there's also a bit of relief, as Sascha's disdain can extinguish the blaze.  
\- My bad, no lecture needed. You're an expert.  
\- But I'm serious.  
\- I know you are, but I'm not picking up on this. I'm not… justifying myself. What I chose to do to stop suffering is a matter you'll never have any say on.  
\- You mean who.  
Sascha smiles, tensed and hostile, and points at the door.  
\- Shouldn't you go, by the way ? I would hate to be keeping you from instagraming the hell out of your love life.  
Dominic laughs again, astonished, and shrugs while walking backwards.  
\- Well, what can I say ? I'm making the most of it. It's brand new to me.  
\- Over sharing like a retarded teenager ?  
\- Sharing, period. You know… Being in a relationship that exists outside hotel rooms. A relationship I don't need to hide, because my partner isn't ashamed of--  
\- Okay, _this_ is unfair !  
Sascha flinches in recoil, hit and hurt, and loses his haughtiness.  
\- You can't compare ! Going public about her didn't cause the shit storm we would have had to deal with if--  
\- Hey, no, you know what ? Let's not. We had this conversation so many times, I could sing it by heart.  
\- Bullshit.  
\- What ?  
\- You can't sing.  
Dominic opens his mouth, but can't find anything to say, caught out by the repartee, the lighter tone Sascha suddenly went for and the mocking glow in his eyes. He's obviously trying to calm things down, but Dominic is too upset to acknowledge the effort. It's uncalled for at this point, after the nastiness he just used to try and eclipse the injustice of his confession. But Dominic shouldn't be surprised. That's what Sascha does when being mean doesn't get him anywhere. He switches to jokes and then to sweetness. Dominic won't let him. He can't. He's too weak already, too affected. He's not immune anymore. So he moves away to not have to face a reappearance of the person Sascha truly is behind his defensive layers. The person Dominic used to need to feel complete.  
\- Please, don't… Domi, don't walk away…  
Dominic smiles, painfully, as a new rush of bitterness runs through his body.  
\- You're only eleven months late.  
\- I mean, now. Don't walk away from this, tonight.  
\- Why ? Coz' we're having so much fun ?  
\- Because it will eat you up.  
Once again, Dominic's hand remains still on the door handle.  
\- Being mad at you ? No, don't worry, I'm sure it won't bother me much.-  
\- But the second you'll cool off, and you will, because you don't do hard feelings, you're gonna start blaming yourself.  
\- Is that so… ?  
\- I've been an absolute prick from the moment you arrived and, still, you're gonna wonder what you could have done or said better to prevent our relationship to worsen so bad. You're gonna beat yourself up. That's what you do. That's who you are. You're… You're too kindhearted for your own good.  
\- Don't I know it…  
Dominic sighs and presses his fingers on his forehead where he can feel a drumming pain. He just wants to go lie down, crash and forget about it all. But he won't. Of course he will replay their conversation over and over until coming up with an utopist version of it that will fill him up with regrets. Of course Sascha is right.  
\- So what do you propose, uh ?  
He looks back at him over his shoulder.  
\- I stay a while longer and you keep being a prick ? To push me to the point of no return where… the only thing I'll blame myself for will be to have let you drag me to that stupid science fair ?  
\- No, let me just… Wait, what ?  
Sascha loses track of his though and wrinkle his nose.  
\- Why are you bringing up the science fair ? And… which one ?  
\- Hamburg, but… whatever…  
Dominic turns completely, shaking his head to brush the specifics aside.  
\- I meant the point where I'll regret ever falling for you…  
\- Yeah, I got that. But the science fair had nothing to do with it.  
\- It had… I've told you how I--  
\- No, you haven't. I would remember !  
Genuinely shocked, Sascha folds his arms, and Dominic is confused enough by his reaction to look past the fact that he just failed at leaving the room for the third time.  
\- Why are you offended now ?  
\- Why ? Come on ! In Hamburg ?! I was staying up all night to learn everything I could about Chelsea, I was… begging Marcelo to come up with great jokes I could make my own, I was… I was adapting my gym schedule to yours, so you would watch me lift weight and sweat in my shorts. I was working my ass off to make you swoon and you're telling me it was all for nothing ? All I had to do to win you over was to geek around for a couple of hours ?!  
\- Okay, so… For your information, I can always tell when a joke is not yours. And… all you ever had to do was to be yourself. The real you. Not… this version of you…  
He raises his arm to point at Sascha whose indignation fades away to make room for a weak and sad smile.  
\- Yeah, this guy is unbearable. I don't really like him either. But… he's quite good at protecting me… The real me… So, I'm keeping him close…  
\- Protecting you ? Sascha, I… I came in peace tonight…  
His heart feels heavy again, from dejection, and he breathes deeply to hold it in.  
\- I know…  
Sascha closes his eyes for a second and moves away from the bed.  
\- And I'm sorry I ruined it… I… I shut you up when you were just trying to comfort me and I spoke when I should have bitten my tongue… It was wrong, it rekindled your pain and… it's killing me that I made you sad, again, after all this time… I'm so sorry… And I'm… I'm sorry there was some pain to be rekindled on the first place… I… Oh god, Domi, I'm sorry, I'll stop…  
A tear just rolled on Dominic's cheek but he sweeps it away and whispers :  
\- No, it's okay… Wherever this is going, I believe it's long overdue… You… You owe me one…  
He needs it, now that he's hurting again, now that he will inevitably dwell on their relationship as soon as he's gonna be alone. He needs to hear there's nothing he could have done or said better and Sascha sincerely looks ready to take responsibility. His face doesn't show a trace of acrimony anymore. Only remorse and a slight concern that he may sadden him even more. So Dominic insists to put his mind at rest.  
\- Please… Tell me…  
Sascha starts squeezing his hands nervously and nods, but remains worried at the sight of Dominic's distress.  
\- I'm sorry I… I ruined it all… I'm sorry I was so… short-tempered all the time and… immature, irrational, abrasive… I… I was insufferable… I wish I could blame pressure and exhaustion… and also the frustration of being away from you most of the time, but we were on the same boat and you didn't turn into a nightmare, so no… this was just me… On me… I should have handled it all better, but instead I… I… Actually, I leant on the circumstances because, the truth is, I'm… a coward…  
He looks up at the ceiling, his eyes wide open to keep them dry, and breathes out an excess of emotions.  
\- I knew the day was coming when you would have _demanded_ the… the shit storm… Not asked or begged or… tried to convince me, no… An ultimatum was coming. I know it was…  
He pauses, like he's expecting to be cut off, but Dominic won't deny. He can't and doesn't want to.  
\- You couldn't stand it anymore, the secret and the extra pressure that came with it, so you would have backed me into a corner and… I would have lost you… I wasn't ready back then, to give you what you wanted, I would have chosen myself over you, over us, and you would have left me anyway… So I thought… maybe I could drive you not to expect that much from me… I… I didn't make much effort to control my temper and smooth things between us because… If I were only half the guy you had fallen for, if… if our relationship wasn't that great anymore, you wouldn't leave me but… maybe you wouldn't be in such a rush to make the world aware of it… I know ! I know !  
Dominic's jaw just dropped, but this time, Sascha doesn't wait for an interruption and carries on, his eyes shining from tears.  
\- It was completely dumb ! And it was selfish and… freaking arrogant to believe I could have it both ways ! I know… Of course, I couldn't… And I pushed too far… I overused your patience, and god knows how hard it is to do so… But I did, I'm that good at being the worst… I… I became someone you didn't want to… to love anymore and… I'm so sorry I wrecked it all… Domi, I…  
He brings his fist against his trembling lips and Dominic closes his eyes instantly. He doesn't want to let Sascha's fragility shake the indignation that his declaration just accentuated. He clenched his jaws and replies in a muffled voice :  
\- But you realized… You knew you had pushed too far… You could have fixed things… You could have tried instead of… letting me think you didn't give a shit…  
\- I didn't realize, not at first… I thought you… you would come around, once again…  
\- Of course you did…  
He laughs, sadly and nervously, and reopens his eyes to see Sascha standing only a couple of meters away from him, his face pallid and his body bucked under the weight of guilt. The vision is even more painful than Dominic was expecting and he can only whisper :  
\- But then… ? When you understood I wasn't coming back ? Why didn't you do anything ?  
\- I… Because, I… A part of me was wondering if… if it wasn't for the best… to cut you out of my heart and for you to do the same…  
\- Why ?  
Again, he can only murmur, choked up by Sascha's words.  
\- You were at the top and I was aiming for it. We had both reached a level that was… that is so demanding in time, energy and… focus… And, I couldn't see past the dead end we would ultimately be facing because of… me being a coward and all, so I… I chose the road that seemed to be leading somewhere… I buried myself in work, I filled up the hole you had left in my chest with ambition and objectives… I just tried to play my feelings away.  
Sascha breathes in and shrugs weakly.  
\- Our clay season kind of made my point. It was great… For both of us.  
\- Do you truly believe that's because we were apart ?  
Dominic remembers how harder if felt to maintain excellence on his favorite surface, how every single day was a battle against his sorrow.  
\- No, I believe we had a great season because we were great. But back then, I was using it to convince myself that my decision was the right one. And… months flew by and summer was great again… I mean…  
He winces, embarrassed, but Dominic nods.  
\- You did have an amazing summer wing.  
\- I did, yes… But I found myself… I… I defeated Roger and won Montreal, everybody was asking how happy and fulfilled I was feeling… because I should have felt happier than ever. But I was… empty. The hole had just grown wider. I realized none of it truly mattered… No achievement would ever make sense without you by my side…  
\- Right ? Why do you think I didn't bother winning anything after Rio ?  
Sascha, who looked distressed again, chuckles and rubs his hands on his face, giving Dominic an opportunity to exhale discreetly and relieve his chest.  
\- Then New York happened and I don't think I need to explain how… down in the dump I was...  
\- No, I know… I watched. I saw your press conference and I--  
\- I had never missed you as badly as that night.  
\- I texted you !  
\- But I needed you ! Physically. I needed your arms and your patronizing bullshit. Nothing else could have helped. And so I… I had no right to storm back into your life, but I took it. I went looking for you, I went to your hotel, met your new physio, asked if you were around. He said… He said you were with Kristina and… I…  
He lets out a bitter laugh and Dominic tenses up a bit.  
\- Wishful thinking, I asked if you were practicing, as odd as it would have been at that time. Ultimate denial of all the dots I had been trying my hardest not to connect… He said you were surely practicing something, with a smirk and… by the way, that guy is a prick.  
\- Because he delivered the message you didn't want to receive ?  
Dominic rolls his eyes, sincerely jaded.  
\- In general. I don't like him. Plus, Marcelo was the true messenger… I met him afterwards to get drunk on sparkling water and fruit juices. And I asked him… I was holding onto a last shred of hope and I said "This thing between Domi and Kiki, it isn't serious, is it ?". Marcelo whined, really loudly "Oh Sash… I've been waiting and preparing for this uncomfortable moment, but do you really want to do this to yourself tonight… ?". I told him to hit me… Better to ruin a crappy week than a good one…  
He brings his lips together and starts squeezing his hands again. His eyes are still wet and locked into Dominic's, deep, like he's trying to read his mind. After a long and heavy silence, Dominic shakes his head, to lighten the intensity of the contact.  
\- Are you expecting me to say something here… ? I won't, I told you this topic is one I don't want to discuss with you…  
\- No, I know, sorry… I went somewhere else for a second, I… Did your mum tell you I called her ? I asked her not to, but I wouldn't blame her for--  
\- You called my mum ? When ?  
This is the first he's hearing of it and he's not certain the idea pleases him.  
\- About two weeks later… It was short but nice. Your mum likes me a lot.  
\- What a scoop…  
Dominic's sarcasm put a frail but cheeky smile on Sascha's face. The smile that could buy him every mother's affection.  
\- Why did you call her ?  
\- To get an honest answer. I wanted to know if you were happy and… she said you were. Really happy. Then she asked if I was, but with the tone of someone who's certain the answer is going to be negative. And because I couldn't answer, she went all wise Karin Thiem on me… You know…  
\- I know…  
\- She said that despite the way I felt and what had happened, it was wrong for us to be estranged. It would never do us any good. She said what you said, how we were meant to be in each other's life, how we had to find a peaceful ground… So I thought… okay, I'll give this friend thing a shot… That had to be better than nothing and… Laver Cup was around the corner. I wasn't gonna mess it up with our tension…  
\- Hum yeah, I don't think Roger would have forgiven us for ruining the mood…  
\- We didn't. It went great, didn't it ?  
\- It did. I… I noticed the twist, I loved it, but…  
Dominic tilts his head, feeling hopeless. Their weekend in Prague was just the first of many occasions when he mistakenly believed they were moving forward. Sascha seems to understand his despair and sighs heavily while taking a step closer.  
\- I know… I'm sorry… I've tried, Domi. I… I'm trying… Being your friend… Sometimes I can handle it, it is, indeed, better than nothing, it's enough. But most of the times, it's like… someone is peeling my heart extremely slowly…  
He breathes in and out, and clears his throat.  
\- But it doesn't matter. I'll deal with it. I'll keep trying. I owe it to you. You're happy and… I want you to be. You deserve to be… I'll try harder, from now on. I won't sabotage your efforts. I won't take my frustration on you. I'll… I'll keep my feelings to myself, all of them…  
\- Like you really should have done tonight…  
Dominic sniffs and shuts his eyes, on the verge of overflowing again. He appreciates Sascha's regrets and promises but he feels listless realizing the waste this past year has been. And there's one harm that cannot be undone. Sascha loves him and wants him back. This certainty has already settled in to his mind and heart. Dominic can't ignore it and has no clue what to do with it. He's completely lost in the chaos of his thoughts, he's helpless against the flashes of desire, repressed for too long, striking his body like thunderbolts. He feels weak, guilty and way too frazzled to pick himself up and get some distance.  
\- Domi… ?  
\- Why can't I… just hate your guts… ?  
\- Because you don't do hate... and because I'm really likeable… Hey, no…  
Dominic felt like laughing for a split second, but instead, this is a sob heaving his chest. He pinches his lips to hold a second one in, but soon there's absolutely nothing he can do and he starts crying in silence.  
\- Oh god, Domi…  
When Sascha reaches him, Dominic moves backward, but his back hits the door and Sascha pulls him close, with a strength he has no power left to outmatch. So he gives up a fight that's already lost, a fight he's not even sure he wants to win, and he presses his face against his tee-shirt, as Sascha wraps his arms around his shoulders.  
\- Don't cry because of me… I'm so sorry… Please, don't…  
Dominic would love nothing more than to grant him that wish, but Sascha's breath in his hair intensifies his distress and confusion. So does the smell of his skin on the edge of the V-neck. And the shape of his waist, where his hands can't help but wander. Everything is familiar and reminds him of a time when he was truly happy. But it also stirs up an unexplainable feeling of danger. It's like home has become unsafe. So he can't let go but he can't stop crying, and Sascha holds him even tighter.  
When Dominic calms down eventually, after a couple of minutes, he doesn't feel lighter and nothing feels clearer. His brain is focusing on the very things he should ignore, and one of them screams particularly loudly.  
\- What did you mean when… You weren't ready to give me what I wanted back then ?  
\- I meant… You know what I meant… Going public about--  
\- You said _back then_. As opposed to… now ? Would you be… ready now ?  
Sascha loosens his grip and Dominic moves back a little, enough to raise his head and look him in the eyes. Already shattered, Sascha's face quivers when he sees Dominic's. He brings his hands close to his cheek but stops himself when Dominic flinches.  
\- Answer me.  
\- I… I can't… I shouldn't… I just swore not to mess things up, to keep my--  
\- Too late for that tonight ! Answer the damn question !  
Sascha bites his lower lips, indecisive, so Dominic grabs his arm to urge him.  
\- What did you mean ? Is it different now ?  
\- Yes… because I… I don't care anymore… I know what truly matters and that's not what people think of me… You… You mean way more than my reputation… They can say or write whatever they want… Especially because… I believe they would only focus on my private life if my tennis wasn't worth talking about and I'm not planning on letting this happen anytime soon… So yeah, if… if we were together today, I wouldn't hide who I really am, I wouldn't hide the person who makes me who I am… I would… I'd be ready to sit in your box during your matches, to hold your hand anywhere, I would even call a press conference if you wanted me to. I would--  
\- You're full of shit.  
Dominic wants to slip aside, but it's Sascha's turn to clench his arm, a sudden glint of indignation in his eyes.  
\- Am I ?  
\- Let go of me.  
Sascha drops his hand immediately but shifts to keep facing him.  
\- You begged me for a truth I wanted to spare you ! You can't just claim I'm lying because it's not the one that suits you !  
\- Nothing you've ever done backs it up ! You're great with blinding words, you've always been, but this is just hot air !  
Dominic needs it to be. But he's perfectly aware his defensive response is unfair and baseless, that he's just trying to convince himself because Sascha's declaration is, indeed, the opposite of the weapon he was hoping for to fight his resurging feelings away.  
\- Oh you want me to back it up ? Okay ! Let's go downstairs right now ! It's late but I'm sure there's still a handful of media people who'd be delighted to get a scoop !  
Dominic shakes his head, as his heart starts beating faster and erratically.  
\- You're telling me you would walk to a journalist and come out on the spot ?!  
\- I wouldn't walk to anyone. I'd kiss the hell out of you in the middle of the lounge, with no restraint whatsoever !  
Dominic's stomach does a somersault, but he manages to catch a way of escape.  
\- That's convenient ! You perfectly know I would never let you !  
\- Because you don't want me to ?  
\- Because there's someone in my life who doesn't deserve the shit storm that would impact her if--  
\- Right, okay, but you want me to.  
\- What ?  
They stop moving at the same time, leaving between them the short distance Dominic was maintaining by taking shy steps aside. A distance that felt enough of a security. But suddenly, that distance is nothing. Suddenly, Sascha's breath reaches his skin and spreads a heat wave through his veins. Suddenly, his legs are made of cotton, his mouth is dry and his brain is frozen, unable to give him the one command that could take him back to safety. The command to lie "No, I don't want you to". Drowning in Sascha's eyes, he can only whisper :  
\- Back off…  
\- No… I'm fine here… You're not trapped against the door anymore. You're free to back off yourself.  
\- I'm not…  
\- You're free to leave.  
\- I can't… I can't move, so you have to. Please, back off, for me…  
Sascha shakes his head, softly.  
\- I'm sorry… I'd do pretty much anything for you, but… walking away, right now, is above my…  
Dominic leans forward, abruptly, and Sascha catches hold of his face right when their lips crash against each other's. Immediately, the floor gives way under Dominic's feet and he clings to Sascha's waist, sinking his nails in the fabric covering his lower back. Their mouths open, their teeth collide and their bodies fit tightly, like two pieces of a puzzle. The kiss is desperate and intense, leaving Dominic too consumed with passion to stop and process what's happening, to regain control over the burning desire he physically needs to satisfy. But, breathless, Sascha pulls away, slightly, only for a split second, and when their mouths lock again, he softens the contact, while running his fingers through Dominic's hair. He pecks his lips, one after another, tasting him. He waits for their breath to blend, brushes his tongue, teases another fervent kiss, just to break it off and start pecking and brushing again. Dominic lets him, adapts, answers the same way, hungry for more but overwhelmed by Sascha's tenderness. His hands glide up and down his back until he can't stop them from sliding underneath the tee-shirt. Sascha quivers, moans against his mouth and out of a sudden, Dominic manages to snap out of it. The touch of Sascha's warm skin, the trembling of his body, the sound of his pleasure, are like alarm bells. A foretaste of what's beyond the line he's about to cross. A line he cannot cross, as badly as he's longing for him. So he moves away, brutally, forcing Sascha to let go of him. He takes three unsteady steps backwards before opening his eyes, and brings one fist against his lips, the other one on his chest, where his heartbeat has turn into a rumble. Sascha stares at him, out of breath, disheveled, so desirable that Dominic turns his back on him instantly, to walk towards the door, hardly fighting an urge to burst out crying again.  
\- Really… ?  
Sascha's painful murmur stops Dominic but this time, he turns the handle and pulls the panel, just enough to press his forehead against the frame, just enough to discern the way out he's in dire need of.  
\- I can't… I'm sorry, I… shouldn't have… I can't do that… to her, or to you… or to… to myself, I can't… But if I stay, I might… I will…  
\- Okay, I… I get it… It'd be wrong, but… you leaving now, it's… Where does that leave us… ? Domi… ?  
\- I don't know…  
He shifts his head and smiles, sadly, at Sascha whose sight is easier to handle through a mist of tears.  
\- I really don't know… I'm… Nothing makes sense and I won't find clarity here… or tonight…  
Sascha nods slightly and folds his arms. It's obvious he'd rather get an answer, he'd rather not be left alone with unease and uncertainty, but he doesn't insist.  
\- Well, when you do… If, you do… you'll know where I stand. You know what I want, but you also know what I'm willing to… make my peace with, if that's what you really want… Although, it's… it's gonna be a bit harder to believe now…  
\- I want… I… I need time, Sascha, and… and an ice bath…  
\- I second that…  
Dominic lets out a silent laugh and steps aside, a foot already in the corridor.  
\- Please, try not to be too mad at me, if you can…  
\- Mad at you ?  
Sascha rolls his eyes, with a soft mocking smile.  
\- You and your guilt-ful rancor-free brain… I'm not mad… If anything, I'm… grateful. After all this, I'm totally over my dreadful performance…  
\- Yeah… ? Did I heal your knee too ?  
\- I'm not sure… I… I haven't regained full perception of my body yet…  
Dominic's stomach flips, so he looks down and moves completely outside the room, sensing the danger zone spreading.  
\- Goodnight Sascha…  
\- Goodnight… See you in Indian Wells…  
\- Yeah…  
He pulls the door behind him and walks away immediately, terrified to fail at escaping again, terrified his desire could silence his mind one more time, terrified by how much he wants Sascha to stop him, to do what he's never done before. He calls the elevator frantically, rushes in, but when the doors close, he just stares at the panel. In the lounge, he might have to face people he knows, and he can see on the mirror that his appearance would drive them to wonder what just happened to him. He can't deal with questions and concern. He can't deal with anyone at the moment. He can barely deal with himself. So he chooses to just go one floor down. He turns left, then right in a hallway and when he reaches a dead end, he lets himself fall, seated on the floor, his back against a wall. He brings his thighs close to his chest, leans his chin on his knees, shuts his eyes and lets his thoughts go back down memory lane, to when he was twenty-one and clueless.  
_The heat in the conference room was stifling, the chair was uncomfortable and Dominic was completely indifferent to the presentation happening on stage. The scientist was entertaining and the topic was one he could have taken an interest in. But as they had arrived too late to seat together, Sascha was all he had in sight, a row before his, three people on his left. His profile wouldn't have been so distracting, but to be able to interact despite the separation, Sascha had adopted a posture three-quarter on to him. Unable to take his eyes off of his face, Dominic could see every single glint of amazement lighting it up and each of them was filling his heart with warmth. He had seen Sascha passionate before, he had seen him over-excited all afternoon, but now that he wasn't busy mocking him anymore, all he could focus on was the way Sascha's bliss was making him feel. He couldn't really define it. He just knew it was pleasant and homely, like the sound of a crackling fire or the smell of fresh cinnamon muffins.  
As the presentation went on, Sascha became more and more enthusiastic and involved, reacting out loud and asking questions, provoking laughs and appreciating smiles in the crowd. At first, Dominic was amused and prouder than he would ever have admitted in front of him. But after a while, he started to get frustrated to not play any part in Sascha's current thrill when he had been the one running the show of his emotions since their reunion at Hamburg airport. And annoyed at all these strangers admiring what had been his and only his for a week. Dominic had never been the possessive kind, but he suddenly found himself fighting the urge to stand and grab Sascha, to take him in a place where they could be alone in the world. Where they could talk nonsense, play silly games and grapple gently. Where they could be quiet and cozy, snuggled together, enjoying some music or a movie, share a moment without exchanging a word. Where he could look deep in his eyes and find answers to unasked questions. Where he could stroke his skin and fly above the ground for a split second. Where he would feel complete, because Sascha had become all he truly needed.  
The heat was stifling, the chair was uncomfortable and Dominic's heart was racing faster than ever as the situation was bringing a certainty to light. He was in love with Sascha. And he was too overwhelmed to figure out if this truth, finally admitted to himself, was terrifying or reassuring, if the revolution happening in his entire being was about to change his life for the best or for the worst.  
When Sascha turned to smile at him, his head tilted, his eyes shining from an affection that had been obvious for a while, Dominic understood that there would, indeed, be no middle ground. Ultimately, his relationship with Sascha was either going to destroy him or take him to sheer happiness. And he would have given the visionary scientist a lot of money to find out which one it was going to be._  
Three years and a half later, silently crying in the hallway of a Mexican hotel, facing another revolution, Dominic would give anything to anyone to finally get the answer.


End file.
